Monday, 17 May, 2010 Newtown High SchoolArts
"Clash" Needs to "Ease its Storm"
Imagine a stamp. Good, now take that stamp and fill it with 300-esque warriors. Got it? Now add some random monsters, which only vaguely resemble their actual Greek counterparts. Excellent! Now all you need is a flaming, buzzing, lightning sword and Sam Worthington’s face and you have Clash of the Titans, the very latest blockbusting travesty from Hollywood.
A remake of the original 1981 Clash of the Titans, this movie followed every traditional trick in the book since Homer began imagining things. The only addition, in fact, is computer-generated monsters that look more like living creatures than the actors themselves.
Worthington, who astounded audiences in Avatar and Terminator Salvation, leads the charge as Perseus – a Greek hero who fulfills all the stereotypes of a Greek hero to such a degree that we can actually predict the next fight scene before it happens. The camera loves him, though. We are treated to an excessively dramatic grimace every five seconds.
Director Louis Leterrier appears to consider it his personal prerogative to dash as quickly as possible through all that distracting substance. We, the viewers, don’t want that. Substance? Bah! Show me another hour-long fight scene!
The opening takes about five seconds, during which Perseus is brought from the depths of the ocean, gains a father, grows up (in the approximate space of 1.5 seconds) and abruptly loses his father to a ginormous falling statue.
In another two-second scene, Worthington resurrects the spirit of James Bond. In an underwater battle with an uncooperative boat, Bond (no, wait, Perseus!) touches the hand of his loved one briefly before they are drowned under the waves. But it’s only sad for a very limited time. No need to fear, our hero quickly gets over the loss of his family and develops some nasty skills with a sword. These skills allow him not only to courageously defy his enemies, but also the very laws of physics.
In other words, it’s the perfect movie for people particularly fond of energy drinks and recreational electroshock therapy. This movie, while entertaining, absolutely failed to capture any kind of adventurous spirit, sadness, or thought, preferring to gloss over these in favor of more images of Sam Worthington’s bulging muscles. At least he is no longer blue.
The one redeeming feature of the movie, and the only actually competent actor is, of course, Liam Neeson as Zeus. Effortlessly playing the perfect god of gods, this phenomenon can only be explained in one of two ways. Either Neeson’s agent is clinically insane, or the actor accidentally wandered onto the set at the wrong time. Either way, Mr. Neeson seemed out of place with the overly dramatic Ralph Fiennes (Hades) and Worthington who appears to have forgotten all his Avatar acting skill overnight.
Admittedly, though, it’s almost worth seeing the movie if only for the animation. Clash makes full use of every opportunity and the result is seamless. Plot holes aside, Medusa and the Kraken are masterpieces reminiscent of that time Eragon wasted all its money on a giant dragon.
The conclusion? While they try very hard to remaster a classic, the result is unfortunate and should be consigned to the same shelf along with Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean at World’s End, and Every Single Twilight Movie Yet Made.